For years I've been wanting to write a book called These Kids are Driving Me to Drink and Other Tales from the Crib. But this is me, tired. Goodbye book, hello blog. Call me a quitter.
Anyway, I have a potty mouth, so while I'm not sure who the hell is going to read this anyway, please be advised that you are reading at your own risk. Also, I might give parenting advise along the way. Please also be aware that in no way am I qualified to give any advice. Proceed with caution.
Here's today's story. Last night I was given the blessing by my husband to go out after work, sans kids and buy a bra. Woo hoo, slow down! Well, if you must know, I have not bought a new bra since 2005 (before babies #3 and #4 were born, you can call them Lucy and Josie if you'd like). Seriously. I have not purchased a bra in 3 years. It's absolutely true, I am not trying to impress you. But anyway, this was not just any bra, this was going to be the mother of all bras, and so this was quite the big deal.
But, you mothers out there know what this meant: a) all 4 kids (oh yes: did I mention that I have 4 kids?) were home with their father and b) father probably expected some type of "reward" (okay, so I'm trying to be coy, but we all know we're talking about sex) for watching the kids. But I digress.
Fast forward to my return home. So it's almost 9pm. I've seen a messier house. At first I'm pretty impressed. Kitchen has dirty dishes in sink, but not too many. Then I see it: the red homemade playdoh that daddy and Paige made (that's kid #2, the 6-year-old). Oh yes: flour everywhere, floor slippery with it, gigantic wad of messy, starting-to-dry-out red playdoh on the kitchen table. I think to myself: I clean up after a household of six all the time, I did not make this mess, I am not going to pick this mess up. And so this is me retaliating: I didn't clean the mess up. I went to bed. At 9pm. Ah, sweet relief!
Fast forward to the next morning. My husband (co-conspirator in making the playdoh) didn't clean it up either. Wanna know who did? Emily the dawg, who ate the whole god-damn thing and then puked it up all over the house. Bright red playdoh puke. Nice. Did I mention I rug-doctored the whole house the weekend before? Wanna know what else? None of those magical stain removers take out red homemade playdoh puke.
Fast forward to tonight after work. Emily the dawg puked 3 more times while we were at work. My husband: "I'm going to go to the gym and when I get back I need to do work on the computer, so I'm not going to be able to clean that up tonight."
Remember that "reward?" I don't think so.
Oh crap, I forgot that I'm supposed to give you advice. Okay here it is: normally I really like Spot Shot stain remover. It will remove stubborn blood stains (I know it because my son Jacob...aka child #1 age 8...used to get bloody noses, and it removed tons of blood from the carpet). But it doesn't do shit for red homemade playdoh puke.
Does anyone know if I'm allow to swear on a blog?
My friend, I so have been there. Not with the playdoh puke, but with poop. I laugh with you as you tell your story, well, maybe you aren't actually laughing yet, but in a few years, maybe after moving to a new house or sending #3 and #4 to college, you will laugh at this. Maybe.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Denise, I enjoyed reading this! Mindy
I love your blog. We have cat puke at our house. It's not as rich in color, but definitely an irritation, especially when you step in it. Yuk!!! At least you have some color to warn you.
ReplyDeleteMaybe color is a good thing. Coming from a family of artists, one tries hard to be different from the rest. Think about it, you have the only house (probably in the world) which has this bright red color in certain areas. Some artists would say it is an art form.
If you don’t want to be an artist at this time I might have a solution. Try one part white vinegar to three parts water, a bristle brush, and lots of muscles. It is an old fashion recipe which works wonders on stains. You will want to open the windows to air out the smell or cook something which has vinegar in the recipe.
So enough with the carpet, did you get your bra(s)? Love ya, Shayna
Great start to hopefully a wonderful blogging career!
ReplyDeleteDenise, You are so intelligent, witty and funny and this blog demonstrates that perfectly... I could see and hear these events taking place as I read this. I look forward to your future posts! :)
ReplyDeleteI am one of the aunties to these kids...Denise, this is awesome! This is REAL life, and just one day in the life. :-) I can appreciate what you've shared; poor Emily and her tummy! How sweet for Mike to make RED (?!?!) playdough...and now there is memoribilia all over the house! Well sis, hang in there, and keep the blogs coming. Love them!
ReplyDeleteLove, Stephanie